שאלה
Dear all,
My name is Liran, and I am living in Miami/florida, I really need your help on a serious matter between me and my partner to life. Even though we are not yet married, we expereienced a sexual relationship, my girlfriend is afriad to go to hell all the time, even though we had sex out of love, respect, and it felt pure, i was her first time, and we are not sure how to proceed, she is 19 and i am 25, we are not yet ready to get married, and know that if we stay together, it is most likely that we are have sex again, we are used to sleep with each other for months, and anything less than that will make us really suffer. if we break up then i am not going to be the only one in her life, and she will find someone else, what is better? to continue with our relationship or break up and be with 2 guys instead of one? are we really going to hell? i should mentioned that my girlfriend has serious relationships with other men for 2 years and 1 year, but she never had sex with anyone of them, we want to continue but we are afriad of god, we cant be together without feeling each other, as this feelings is like a rejection. what to do? whats better? are we going to hell? can we have kosher sex before
אהבתם? עוד תכנים בלעדיים באפליקציה של כיפה. הורידו עכשיו
תשובה
Dear Liran,
Thank you so much for your letter. You asked many sensitive questions, and I hope we can give you the answers you deserve.
First of all, no one but G-d can know if you are "going to hell" or not! It is true that having sex before marriage is a serious transgression. However, G-d judges us not only by our acts, but takes into consideration our upbringing, situation, motivations, strengths, and weaknesses. In other words, we're all individuals, and are judged individually. Your letter showed that you are a person with a lot of integrity who cares deeply about doing the right thing. G-d loves you (He loves us all!), and is more interested in helping you become the best person you can be than in punishing you.
There should always be love and respect in a sexual relationship. However, love and respect alone do not make it truly "pure." Judaism believes that what makes sex holy and beautiful is commitment . Commitment doesn't mean saying, "you are my partner for life," or even getting engaged. True commitment takes place only once a man and woman stand under the chupah and their souls unite. Marriage is what makes sex pure and holy.
In the secular world, people delay marriage for all sorts of unnecessary reasons. You and your girlfriend may be more ready to get married than you think! Instead of getting physical, maybe you should spend a lot of time exploring your relationship, discussing issues, getting to know each other even more deeply, and seeing if, in fact, you could have a successful marriage. And if you can, then do it!
In the meantime, the best way not to have sex again is not to be in a place where it could happen. This is why Judaism forbids an unmarried man and woman from being alone together behind locked doors. The sexual energy can be overpowering, and they're likely to do something they shouldn't.
Will it be hard? Yes. But it will be worth it. You'd be surprised how deep a relationship can become when people back off physically and focus only on the spiritual side of their relationship. There's no better way to build a bond that can last forever.
Finally, if your girlfriend truly loves you, she'll won't leave you. If she does leave you, you'll know she never really loved you. It's that simple. But I suspect, if she's the special person you obviously feel she is, that she'll love you even more for wanting to grow and reserve something as special as sex for the real thing.
There's a small book you may want to read, called Maga HaKesem. It's been put up on the internet at olam-jew.com. Even if you don't feel able to do everything it says, it will definitely give you food for thought, and hopefully some real inspiration as well.
May you make your relationship into the most beautiful, meaningful, and holy one it can be.